Dancing with my insanity

For a long time, since i was a child, i have suffered and endured my best friend Anxiety. Been with me since i remember. OCD, impulsive thoughts, energy which comes from my self, makes my body dance as if i have been electrocuted. Mostly i hate it but in some strange way i love it. It me and though i have had four therapists, who gave me CBT and taught me about mindfulness (which does give me some relieve) or drugs which i cant take as i know deep down i am just what i am and i don’t want to change that, no matter what my brain wants to do.  I have ups and i have downs. sometime the energy it gives me keeps me going, i’m high of myself, especially when i listen to music. I  sit for hours and hours till my legs go dumb with pins and needles, i am free with music. it gives me receive most times but not always. i still have the thoughts buzzing around my head, compulsively saying the out loud or in my head till i feel relieved and safe. the worry and intensity of this emotion is like nothing else… i have been lucky in life to have a wonderful family and husband that understands and some friends too… though some know more than others. this keeps me alive and going, i get dark moments, i guess we all do but i love life and nature and the earth and the love from my loved ones and people i see make me feel happy to be alive. i know other have it a lot worse and my thoughts and prays are with them. it makes me feel selfish when i discuss my insecurities and fears and how i have dark moments, like why, when i have a roof over my head and people who love me and a life i have been able to maintain. i feel numb and empty at times, i sit alone frozen in my body as my mind flutters in panic unable to think but thinking about those things that i fear or just daydreaming about the things id like to do but i sit there, still, frozen literally frozen scared to move stuck in depression and isolation. i know why i do and i know to keep busy is the best remedy but sometimes its just too much and i cannot unfreeze myself form that moment. i feel knackard and stuck in a cycle which i feel i get close to breaking comes right back and hits me with all the fear. Writing this makes me feel a bit lighter and i go for a walk and feel the wind on my skin and the smell of rain on the floor and hold the hand of the man i love and i feel alive. i hope one day the battle with myself, which i do except and understand, brining me comfort, will one day become less intense and easier to control and the moments where my anxiety takes hold of me dance gracefully and in time rather than…lets say the tango…… so that i can take better control of my life and do those thins i want naturally without such fear and laziness. So one day i can have children and not have to worry about getting a bad thought and having to repeat myself tons of times till i feel less guilty and scared. To be able to help others and be there for others then be stuck inside my house, on my bed, with headphones in my ears, save in my bubble. One day i will get better control and feel less fear of myself and what could happen. i take each day as it comes and step by step, very littles ones but i will do it do be there for the ones i love instead of hiding in the fears of losing them or failing them. I will get better!

 

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